03/25/2022

It’s gonna be okay. It will be.

His brother is coming at 4. Earlier than I thought. But it’s cool, it’s gonna be fine. I’ll stay by my partner's side and I’ll be fine.

He said that his mom called or talked to his brother and asked if he hated me, and the answer was no. I’m unsure how I feel. I don’t know if that makes my anxiety worse. I just cleaned our place. The cat box smells even though it’s clean so that’s fucking great.

I'm scared to death of the impression we will leave. I know we shouldn’t care what others think. And he might not. But I still do… I don’t know how to stop. Family input has always been important to me… approval… and thinking there's a possibility that he thinks I’m toxic or bad for my partner scares the life out of me.

Just keep calm.. anti-krys. It’s okay.  Just gotta be calm.  And not think of it.

update: I chickened out.

I just couldn't bear to see his brother, nor to meet a whole new person... another voice to add to the melancholic mix that drowns me. I stayed at the trailer, he claimed no one hate's me, and that his brother was genuinely concerned.

Thing is... if that's the case... there's something dreadfully, seriously fucked up with my brain. No matter how often his dad, who's not a very 'mushy' kind of person, says "in case you haven't noticed, we like you here" no matter what denies my irrations and distorted cognition... it won't go away. The voices solidy evidence that isn't even there. My self esteem solidifies that I am uncapable of being loved or cared about. The neglect from m parents reminds me that I'm easy to neglect, push away, because I am unlikable. Unwanted. And these very distortions are so god damn hard to stare down and say "You're not real. You're not the truth. The negative ideas in my mind don't have to be real".

He and I had several fights while here, his brother across the property. I can't even describe them. I just remember the fear, the tremors and feeling like I was the only one with this vision of this world. This vision of these sides of other people. It was almost a manic delusion, like I had some sort of power.

He apologized later on. He didn't need to, I was the irrational one. But.. he is such a good man. Brought beer as an awkward form of peace offering.

He said he may never understand.

I feel like I live in a different world than everyone around me.
I’m so scared of everyone, and everyone isn’t,
I don’t understand.

Is it just me?