03/30/2022

"Yes, Yes you are making me worse! You need to get better!!"

:(

I had a feeling. I had a feeling that despite you saying you were miserable while we were apart, that it was better for you. To be away from me.

I lose control of myself sometimes, my words, the temper tantrums kicking around on the floor, like when I was a kid begging for some kind of attention from my father

I've tried so many meds, they've all failed in aiding with the voices, the lack of control...

I'd do anything to get better. I've gone through countless mental health apps that all seemed to have failed as well.

The disability doctor said with Complex PTSD from things that happened at such a young age, the brain forms differently, and your brain finishes forming in your 20's right? What if my brain is improperly forming and no one is doing anything to fix it? What if I am stuck like this?

The time we spent apart... we were on two different ends of a spectrum. He was blooming, growing, being the good natured man he is but becoming even better... and me? In a matter of 15 days I psychotically filled half of a notebook with letters for him, (that he has yet to read, maybe never will), cried on the couch for hours holding his blanket, downloaded all the songs he wanted me to listen to before, learning all kinds of philosophies to try and get in touch with my spiritual self as a way to be the partner he deserves, the one he met back that december...I chainsmoked, played with my medicine trying to force myself to heal as fast as possible so I wouldn't drag him down, all while delusioned from not eating due to my mother's guilt tripping andd manipulative behavoirs.

When I realized I was just wallowing in guilt over what happened, I felt I needed to change into a better partner as fast as possible, all while being subconciously abused by my mom, and letting her treat me like a slave, constantly feeling paranoid to clean her house, make sure the boys had everything they need...

I ate so little it always felt like I was in a rocking boat, I was drooling a lot, and I'd stumble at times. I was close to hospitalization. I was always cold. It didn't matter. I felt like such a horrid person, such a villian. I couldn't eat knowing he went somewhere he was depraved of things he needed, regardless of how long or short he was there. It was my fault, and I couldn't stop punishing myself.