04/16/2022

Nathan feels stuck at his job. Last night he said he wanted to die because his brother’s back in his life, his parents suck, and he feels stuck at his “job”, unpaid, treated like a slave and his parents continue to ask him shit when he’s finally home.

I wish we could live here. My moms. I wouldn’t be rotting away in the trailer, he wouldn’t be constantly in trauma and be able to be more free-willed. But I know he wouldn’t let it even be a conversation, because of what his parents basically drilled into his goddamn brain.

I’m sad.

I want to be there for my brothers more.

I can’t stand his bullshit lying fake ass family.

I can’t stand living in the trailer, I love having space together, and being private together but…

it’s so toxic and draining and guilting. I put off driving for 2 years because of how bad it is. I don’t want to be jerked and pulled into driving his mother to the store just because we don’t “pay rent.”

When we were “welcomed back with open arms” we’re stuck looking dumb and being guilted and taken advantage of.

That’s why I stopped, stopped going over, stopped texting her back, all of it.

It’s wrong.

Manipulative.

I was essentially groomed by his mother into thinking I was part of something I’m not, thinking I’m loved and cared for-when all I am is a burden, a cigarette smoking sucker who apparently doesn’t “appreciate” being “provided for”.

When all I did for three years was kiss ass, and “thank you, how could I ever repay you”

LIES.

Manipulation.

It's fucking Disgusting.