03/24/2022

“He’s driving me home”

“Bbbad anxiety”

“I did bad today”

“I'm sorry”

…

-messages he sent today, his anxiety caused him to leave work early.-

Earlier in the messages, he wrote something about being home at 4, and I wrote something like “oh, thought you’d be home earlier” then, he sent a picture that his hood wouldn’t close, and I said “oh, it’s whatever” then shortly after he messaged about his Klonopin that he needed it, and those messages above soon after.

Did I cause him anxiety? Did I make him leave his driving lessons/work early? Is he that impressionable? Like with the sex stuff? I fear that he’s that malleable and I’m just… making him… do things… or causing his anxiety to worsen. He doesn’t regularly take his Klonopin during afternoons, then again it was stormy. But still. I always thought his anxiety of weather stemmed from the trailer really. It didn’t happen at my moms but it didn’t really storm there.

I fear I am the root of his anxiety. I know he worries about my safety. With cutting and pills and whatnot. I’m pretty stable in that area I believe. But… this? Just a slightly,, passive message to show that i'm a little upset by an event causing him to either act out to leave early or.. genuinely have anxiety over it.. I’d hate either scenario. I don’t want to control his days like that… that’s why I didn’t text him before.

Coming off of Topamax is hard. Being apart is harder. When I’m going through a hard time, I’d rather push through it alone, then bother him at work. I’m not dancing through daisys over here otherwise I’d think it’s a good idea to text…

I don’t know what to think,

I don’t know what to do,

What to believe, or feel.