I believe the pit has to go into retirement. He no longer seems to enjoy the flames, but enjoys putting them out more. Not even enjoys, it's more of an anxious satisfaction. Therefore I shall no longer ask to do fires, but keep it a special memory left aflame in my heart and soul. It seems many of the things we enjoyed back then are dead to him aside from smoking and gaming, two of the unproductive habits I was hoping to knock, myself. But if thats what he'd want to enjoy with me, I'd rather spend time with him then be alone. Even if it includes games I'm not so skilled with, and habits I am not too fond over.

I was long troubled by the lack of intimacy. Closeness. That seemed to dissipate with time, and he seemed to conclude it was the freshness of everything that happened at my dearest mothers place. Understandable explaination, you'd say, right? Why am I so inclined not to believe it?

I want to trust. Believe me, my partner usually holds my trust. But, especially this last day, I've been thinking. Over-thinking, potentially. He's been close with me, intimate, etc. etc. but are his motivations correct? Would he be willing to push past and choose to be close to me, while he doesn't even fully want that inside? I'd be so... I don't even know how to feel if that were the case. I'd be hurt that he didn't just feel comfortable communicating with me, hurt that he felt he had to just give in to my desires, to shut me up, quiet my worries. Even though, they secretly remain. Worrying over his intention with his intimate choices or actions, despite him intiating, I was (yet again) too naive to question if he truly wanted it in those moments.

I miss the way we used to spend time together. I miss not being the one who is so "clingy". He used to adore me, "cling" to me, seem to love me bounds more.

I feel wrong for thinking and feeling this way. I truly do. I don't even feel right about writing it down fully in a journal. Hence why it's being typed out here. Why my update was so brief. His brother is visiting tomorrow, and has some new psychologist gf, and Nathan said his brother said I was toxic for him... and that he doesn't say anything when he mentions me... My paranoid mind can only peice together that I need to fuck off when his brother shows up, that I am not liked, wanted and that I will only dampen the good time. There's one thought that comes back to haunt me. I am not family. The trolley problem, but a little different. Nathan and I on the tracks, who would be killed, it's an obvious answer. I know. There's no blaming them for that either, anyone would do the same for their blood I would think. Unless they're me, really. If it was between his father or mine, I'd choose his in a heart beat. Not to be cold. He's been more of a father to me than my Dad has ever tried to be, even when my father came up for a visit. All he did was fucking convince me that Mom was not a bad person anymore, that she changed, "blah, blah, blah" and it was all bullshit lies, because when my Mom refinanced, she got my father and 'Jen' (who are now seperated, thank fucking god I'll never cross paths with that bitch again) ((although I was finally stoically 'happy' for him)) a cookie jar as a gift. So a gift addressed to my dad AND JEN makes my mother apparently, a fucking changed woman I guess. And it totally redeems her from oh, I don't know, having us punch and push on bruises, take pictures of them in the computer room at nannies to frame Dad for child abuse, hitting us with wooden spoons, paddles, blind-thingys, pulling our hair super fucking hard, screaming at us a bunch, letting her mother put us away in the small closet to do a small religious puzzle as a punishment (weird shit), marrying a pedophile that molested and groomed me, not believing me and god knows what else I blocked out

BUT YEP THANKS "DAD" she totally changed

So glad I moved in with her just to develope an eating disorder, raise my adderall (again. when Im trying to get off the shit), hearing voices again, re-remember living with her.... Whatever. I'm upset that it fucked with my relationship with him the way it did... my partner and I haven't been the same since my parents essentially guilted and manipulated me any way they could into leaving. Now everything feels so different. It, at times, feels like it's ready to collapse at any given minute.

Today has been weird. He went where he had to go early this morning. Driving lessons. I was supposed to go. I panicked and chickened out. Here I am. Alone. Sad, Like a puppy dog chained down waiting for him to come back. I don't like this feeling one bit. I even cleaned the whole place. Did extra too.. Played Webkinz. Nothing to do. Nothing to say. It's so empty as I reminisce in what we used to have together here. We're not hopeless or anything like that, I don't feel that way. I... just miss... when he loved me the way he did then. But I get it. I fucked up. Major. Perhaps it's time,, or overtime I can do many things to make up for, and redeem my wrongs... otherwise I'll suffer with my guilt.

goodbye for now.